As it turns out just signing up for a Bikini Comp is confusing as fuck. What am I exactly? A novice? An 35+? A master? An open?  After emailing the contest promoter it was clear as mud that as a beginner I was going to be in the novice class and even if you win the novice division you will not be eligible for national level wins. Ummm, ok no worries. Jesus it’s my first and probably only competition, I’m certainly not looking to get my pro-card.1-isaac

What I AM looking for is a challenge, to see how lean and buff I can get and to get the balls to walk out on a stage with a bunch of SoCal bronzed goddesses in teeeeeny bejeweled bikinis.

So what does an NPC Bikini Competition entail? Basically (from the videos I’ve watched) it’s a bunch of fit, super tan, long, luscious-haired girls walking around on stage and turning around showing off their ass muscles for way longer than feels natural. The whole thing reminded me of watching a kennel club dog show. Lots and lots of inspection. You’re supposed to be fit, but not too muscly, feminine yet strong, and overall symmetrical looking. This is already a concern of mine, my shoulders are broad and strong which has served me well for pulling myself up ropes and across monkey bars and rings… but my prepubescent boyish hips won’t be great for appearing balanced and feminine on stage. Also, I’m pretty sure I have a little scoliosis as my left shoulder sits higher than my right.

First things first, these things can get expensive. Like stupid level- holy shit how do people afford multiple contests per year?!?!? So my goal is to do this as DIY-on the cheap as HUMANLY possible. I only know one person who’s ever competed, an old nursing friend from back home. I got in touch with her and she promptly filled me in on her experiences with competing in both bikini and figure level a few years back.


Karen, on the left, totally ripped!

We commiserated on how confusing the diet plans are and how was it that we as two Registered Nurse’s could not figure out the whole macros and carb cycling thing but somehow these armies of bronzed girls in stripper heels can? And the diets! ACKKK!!! SOOOOOOOO BOOORRINNG! Oatmeal, egg whites and chicken for breakfast. Mid-morning snack? Chicken. For lunch how bout some chicken and a salad? In the afternoon splurge on a protein shake and for dinner? You guessed it- more chicken and brown rice and veggies. Don’t forget another shake at 10pm before bed. Seriously???? Seriously.

Other costs besides entry fees include up to 500$ on a bathing suit that is small enough to maybe cover a toddler’s private bits. A posing coach, a trainer, a nutritionist, a spray tan, clear plastic heels, hair and makeup for contest day. One girl noted she spent about 1100$ on her first bikini contest. This is not my plan. While I don’t yet have 12% body fat and a bangin’ bikini body I do have my mother fucking shit in a pile and I’m resourceful. I’m borrowing Karen’s shoes (what are the odds we both wear size 10? I’m 5’5 she’s easily 6 ft), I found a simple bikini online that was pre-owed but never used in a show- I’ll bling it out with some more rhinestones when I get it, I have a friend who happens to be a pro-makeup artist who agreed to whore me up with smoky eyes and sultry lips on my brown skin and she knows a good mobile spray tanner so we’re on the right track for Operation Discount Bikini Contest. My parents even offered to “sponsor” me so now the contest entry fees are covered! Things are really coming together. Well, everything except my body. Right…

Ok so here I am in all my morning glory, hair a mess, no make up. I am starting with just 11 weeks to shred my body down to 10-12% body fat… I don’t know exactly what I’m at now. I need to probably get that checked and will soon.

Plan goes as follows: I will NOT be eating just the 8 dumb boring foods offered on the standard bikini prep diet. I WILL continue to eat like I do and I WILL increase my water and take some new supplements that I’ve not used before. More on that later. I eat a lot of roasted veggies and a protein source for lunches and dinners, lots of Buddha bowls with dark leafy greens, and lots of fiber. What I will cut out is my bad habits: afternoon snacks of tortilla or pretzel chips and artichoke cream cheese dip where, whoops a few minutes have gone by and half the bowl is gone while I zoned out watching Real Hoes of Beverly Hills. I’ll be cutting out desserts like my few m&m’s or bowl of ice cream after dinner, cutting back on yummy cheeses and cutting out wine. Also, I’m cutting back on being the family garbage disposal. Toddlers waste soooo much food, and inevitably, I clean their plates and eat nuggets of cheese thrown on the floor and bites of breakfast bars left behind etc. No more. They are getting smaller servings and I’ll learn to cope with food waste guilt.


Vintage food scale I found at the thrift store- new in the box!!!

****SIDE NOTE: I do have a previously scheduled trip with girlfriends to LA coming up around week 8. I refuse to be the Debbie Downer on the trip and ruin anyone’s vacation, including my own, so I will drink and will eat whatever the French I want and feel bad about it later. We’re getting a weekend kid fucking free!!!! I’m not spending it by eating broccoli and brown rice!!!

Besides making these adjustments to my current diet, I will be taking some “supps” that bodybuilding peeps swear by BCAA’s or branched chain amino acids and Glutamine. Both of which are supposed to help recovery time after getting “shredded” during a workout. It is my understanding that when you lift weights you actually are ripping teeny tiny muscle fibers and then during rest, amino acid chains found in proteins help to rebuild those fibers bigger and badder asserer. I should verify this process so as to not give out false info, but that’s what I remember learning years ago when I first started weight lifting. That, and the more muscle mass you have the more fat you can burn and leaner you’ll appear.

My husband argued with me at length last night about the “supps” controversy, he said our current protein powder already has enough of what I need in it. I told him about the articles I’ve read supporting consuming “free form” BCAAs and how they absorb faster and often contain higher dose and don’t contain the calories that go along with a whey protein shake. I think he thinks that I think this is some magic drink that’s going to just totally transform my body. Um no, I’m not a moron. But my argument was that EVERY FUCKING BODYBUILDER IN THE WORLD TAKES THESE ADDITIONAL SUPPLEMENTS POST WORKOUT, THEY CAN’T POSSIBLY ALL BE WRONG. So let’s do as the meatheads do and see if it helps post workout recovery time, i.e. soreness the following day, and see if it improves my mood and energy level during workouts, and let’s see if I get better results? I also realize it will be hard to tell what is making the difference because I will also be slightly altering my workouts as well. Not drastically, but I tend to be more upper body strong and for this particular contest I don’t need to be able to hoist 70 lbs in the air or climb a rope or scale an 8ft wall. For this contest I need to look symmetric, or balanced, meaning I need to build some thighs and ass STAT. My white girl booty has gots ta go. I am going to start doing some weird shit at the gym to isolate my three glute muscles, tear them apart so they can gain strength and rebuild in one glorious bubble butt!!!! We will rebuild!!!!



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