Week one is complete (10 more weeks left) and I’ve incorporated some new moves into my regular weight lifting routine. I read a lot about isolated moves for your gluteus muscles. There are three muscles making up the bootay… mine are all somewhat firm but small, minuscule even. If I’m going to fit in on stage at a NPC Bikini competition I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. I watched some tutorials and read some muscle mag articles on isolation moves for the butt. The bodybuilding chicks all agree that you can do squats for days but if you want a firmer, larger butt, you really need to do isolated movements. I don’t have big thighs or butt so I will do a combo of both, but first, I will practice in my living room before I start adding crazy weights or resistance. I’m known for being pretty accident prone at the gym. One time I had heavy dumbbells in each hand and went to lay down on a bench, problem was I was several inches away from the bench so when I sat there was nothing under me. I fell to the floor and watched as my two dumbbells rolled off in either direction easily 15 feet away from me. I had to say excuse me to the row of men hoisting weights in front of the mirrors to gather my shit and try again. Another time I was simply trying to get a drink of water and had the chunk of ice in the bottom of my Nalgene bottle come rushing at my face bringing all the water with it. Water went up my nose and down the front of my shirt soaking me for all the gym to see. More recently I missed the platform during box jumps and hit my shins sooooo hard I now have permanent scars and divots missing from my right tibia. And just this past week I was doing sets on the monkey bars and went so hard I busted open all my callouses.
So as to not repeat these embarrassing events, I practiced some moves here first.
I just booked my first hydro-static body fat testing appointment at The FitLab here in San Diego. It was one of only two places I could find that offered the dunk tank style fat testing. My husband and I have done a body composition testing at the YMCA where we work out, called InBody Composition Test several times over the last year. It’s been a really accurate way to track our fat loss and lean muscle mass gains over time, but it also claims I went from 20% body fat down to 12% which I think is total bull shit. Yes, I lost weight and gained muscle after giving birth to my son, but 12% bodyfat? No way. The water tank dunk method or hydro-static testing is supposed to be more accurate and obviously pricey.
So Thursday morning I’ll submerge my body under water, expel all my air and see how much my fat floats me. Should be a great way to start my day off! When I called to book the test the owner said “Oh you’re training for a bikini competition- great! Who’s your trainer?” I said, “Uhhh, me and Google.” He chuckled and said he’d see me Thursday. I purchased a two test package so the very last week of this shit-show prep I’ll head back down there and see if I’ve made any progress. I fucking better.
My whole goal is not to win, not to place, not to be even recognized… my one and only goal is to just fit in. I don’t want to be “that” girl on stage where it’s like whoa, where’d she come from, hey flabby- wrong contest! Just please, please, please let this hard work and money pay off and make me look like I belong with these bitches on stage.
I already know I’ll be the only one with short hair. Evidently it’s mandatory to have long wavy locks akin to horses’ manes to toss around when you’re sluttily showing off your back muscles. I’m not about to get extensions, so I’ll be the one chick with short hair up there, well, minus the dudes in the physique competitions of course.