This weekend my husband was out of town on a guys-only ski trip. That was 3 full nights and 3 full days of playing single mom. Exhausting doesn’t really begin to describe how I’m feeling at the moment. More like awake but dead, like a zombie, a Mombie, if you will. I stayed up till midnight watching stupid bikini competition posing tutorial videos and of course the kids were up by 6:30 am on the dot like they have a fucking alarm in their room. How do they DO that? WHY do they do that? Oh well, at least coffee is allowed on bikini prep diet. And I have no one to blame but myself for staying up too late obsessing over this crap. All these articles keep saying that you need to be practicing your posing from day one, and I’ve done a bit but really could probably do more. So many of these videos are girls practicing at their Gold’s Gym or World Gym mirrored rooms, I cannot for the life of me imagine wearing my teeny, tiny, sparkling bikini at the YMCA (or really anywhere in public) at the moment. So I’ll have to resort to recording my own practice sessions in my bedroom during naptime. I hope that just like my body, we’ll see some sort of massive progression here and marked improvement. Here I am trying to emulate one of the bouncier, showier bikini pros. She did a ton of weird hand movements like ballerina arms and kept shifting weight on her hips. There are girls who shoulder shrug and wink, and others who shimmy every transition they make. I then saw a pro teaching a posing class who suggested if this is your first show, KEEP IT SIMPLE, avoid the shimmies and shakes and just act natural. Right… be cool bitch, be cool. Act NORMAL. Well I had already made this video before seeing that so you’re welcome for the laugh.
Luckily we were not totally alone over the weekend; our family’s best friends were in the same boat. Our kids are all within weeks of each other and our hubby’s are great friends who go way back. So while the dad’s snowboarded, the moms got together, outnumbered by preschoolers and toddlers and found things to keep them busy with. I also hit the YMCA both mornings over the weekend, something I typically don’t do but they’ve got free childcare and I was feeling like I could really use some reprieve after completing all the morning, daytime and nighttime routines solo. My 3.5 year old was also possessed by a demon this week, so that didn’t help matters. She’s usually such an agreeable, calm, cool kid, but at the beginning of this week she had just learned how to stall at bedtime. I mean I guess I should be thankful she hadn’t yet figured out the art of “I just need another drink of water mommy”, but she really hadn’t. So we went from normal: timer going off, kid saying goodnight and straight to bed to timer going off: kid FREAKING THE FUCK OUT because I’M NOT TIRED NOOOOO MOMMY NOOOOOO I DON’T WANT TO GO TO BED YET IM NOT TIIIIIRRREEDDD! As her eyes are just bloodshot as all hell, exhausted from the day when she skipped her nap. So that was the beginning of our week when my husband was still here, luckily it calmed a bit, no more psychotic tearing up but still this weekend solo was tough. At one point she tried the ol’ “but mama I’m afraid of what if the Big Bad Wolf is in my room?” to which I simply replied, “You don’t need to be afraid of him, you need to be afraid of mommy who is about to spank your butt if you don’t GO TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW”. I walked out of the room while she whimpered for about two minutes, checked the monitor and she was out. I’m not tired my ass. I wonder how long this phase will last? The one constant is that motherhood has always kept me guessing. Just when you think you’re past something or beyond the difficult period, the kids devise a new plan to drive you up a wall.