What time is it? Time for some Miralax! Not because I’m an opioid addict, but because I think eating 160 grams of protein a day is really starting to back me the French up. I’m eating over 60 grams of fiber per day, which is double what a clinical nutritionist once recommended for me, but somehow it’s not enough. Between the gas and the unsatisfying trips to the terlet, this is going to be a long 38 days.
On the upside, the suit is finally complete! This is as good as it’s going to get anyway and I think it’s right on par with the ridiculously overpriced suits I’ve seen online.
I shot off an email to the Jon Lindsay Muscle Contest folks to ask about event day details. I have family and friends asking about which show to attend (there are two, one in the morning and the finale at night) and how long they last, and when will I be on stage??? These are all total unknowns to me and I am a straight-up Type-A planner, so info would be helpful for sure. I also haven’t heard a peep from the spray tan company whom I’ve already paid one hundred and twenty fucking dollars to!!!!! They were THE tan company recommended by the contest because evidently they know how to get you the perfect shade of tar in a two step process. Again, more appointments I need to set up but am left empty handed. I don’t want to be annoying but come the fuck on and call this amateur back! I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I’M DOING!!!
I did read on another bikini competitor’s blog a whole list of “things to bring” with you on show day, one of which was an embroidered “Bikini Competitor” black silk robe to wear so you can cover up and stay “warm” while backstage in your super comfy stripper shoes while chatting with the other gals about your favorite protein powder. Today I hit Goodwill and found a black silk robe for $6.99, which is pretty damn steep for a used bathrobe but I know if I waited I would never, ever find another again. Generally speaking, the unwritten rule of thrift shopping is that if you are looking for something in particular, you will not find it, however when you don’t need it you will find plenty of it. It happens ALL THE TIME, especially when it’s already October and you only have 15 days to get your perfect costume together but you can’t find the right wig or jacket to save your life. My very best thrift store finds are always on days when I’m searching for nothing at all.
Top thrift scores for me are:
- 1$ vintage Ray Ban Wayfarers
- 15$ brand new Craftsman gas lawn mower (you couldn’t test it out at the store but brought it home and added gas and it ran like a CHAMP)
- 10$ Coleman propane camp stove
- 20$ vintage Peugeot women’s bike (actually from a garage sale) that I could resell on ebay for $400+
So I paid $6.99 and will embroider it myself… just kidding. That’s fucking ridiculous, I would never do that!!!! Said the girl who just glued over 800 crystals on a second hand bikini.
Here’s my lists of exercises I choose from for either upper or lower body days.
The emoji icon indicates that I’ve completed my three sets of 6 at these particular weights. I occasionally do them all, but generally there are one or two exercises I don’t do simply because I’m burned out or am close to one hour of working out which means it’s time to go grab the kids out of free daycare. I’ve yet to do a single minute of cardio in the gym, not sure if that’s good or bad. I’ve been least impressed by my butt during this journey. I’ve always had the back side of a prepubescent teen boy and one would think after nearly 6 weeks of heavy weight lifting I would be seeing some changes back there, but alas, nothing. Which sent me on a vicious, rabbit hole internet search about non-activated glutes and which exercises are the very, very best for building a bikini competitor ass. Turns out there is all sorts of research out there on tight hip flexors being a culprit in non-glute activation and also just not having a sort of “ass awareness”. Try squeezing just one ass cheek… go ahead try. No not your leg, just your one ass cheek. It’s kind of hard right? Also did you notice one side seemed way easier than the other? Easier while sitting than standing? On and on I read all these articles from PhDs with degrees in Kinesiology and Neuromuscular Exercise Physiology, and they all had several but overlapping ideas about “weak” glutes. Ugh. The consensus is: I have weak glutes. I clearly don’t activate them in my squats or leg extensions and my thigh muscles or hip flexors are doing all the work by overcompensating. One doc said the single most effective exercise for activating all three glutes is to lay on the floor, put your feet up on a chair or coffee table and do a hip thrust into the air.
Much like a bridge pose in yoga, this has you squeeeeezing your butt as you rise up toward the ceiling. But somehow the added height of the coffee table made it so much more intensely hard. After I was comfortable with that, I tried some of the more advanced moves like doing it with just one leg while the other is vertical. I swear it burned after just 10 reps! Another thing I read was how you should feel sore after, and I have yet to feel sore in my actual butt, thighs or hamstrings yes, but god damn it I think I’ve been failing to activate my damn ass for 6 weeks!!!! Is it too late to try Human Growth Hormone or straight up steroids?