Just three weeks out now and I keep chugging along almost on autopilot at this point. I’m starting to fantasize about post competition meals and while at BevMo this weekend I picked up some bottles of both Rosé AND Sauvignon Blanc, because it was the 5 cent wine salequote which simple cannot be beat, and in three weeks, I can DRINK AGAIN! It’s funny how irritable a low carb day and two kids under three can make a mom but there’s just so few days left and I just know I can do it without murdering anyone! A friend posted this meme this week, and I’ve been living every day since by it. Trying my hardest to be kind, work hard, dream big, and…DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE.

As excited as I am for competition day to come, I’m equally excited for it to be over and to get back to a normal routine. You know, one where I don’t obsess over my waistline and teeter on the border of developing Body Dysmorphia Disorder? One where I don’t spend every nap time eating grilled chicken or practice walking in lucite heels. I need to get back to my full-time pest and rodent murdering gig. Moving to California from Alaska meant warmer weather and with that comes bugs and vermin. We have a shed out in the backyard that we commonly refer to as Rat Town. When we first moved in our old Husky mutt, KK, was still with us. One day my husband noticed her tossing something around in the backyard so he went to investigate. KK was never an agile dog, she was actually quite a sickly, poor thing with allergies to human dander, hip dysplasia, chronic eye and ear infections, and was so completely terrified of being left alone that she would conquer any fear such as swimming or snowmachining just to be by my side.

On this day though, Kai saw KK out back tossing around an object with great fervor and joy, when he got closer he saw that it was a semi-conscious rat. He shooed KK away, grabbed a piece of lumber, and killed that rat right then and there on the concrete like a caveman. He tossed the carcass into the surrounding brush and woods and made an announcement to all rats near and far, “Let that be a lesson to you rats!” Unfortunately, his warning to neighborhood rats fell on deaf ears. We still find rat poop in that damn shed and recently I even saw one jump like a NINJA out of my garden planter box and head back to the brush. We joke that if my mom doesn’t play her cards right when she visits she won’t be allowed to stay in our guest room, but will have to set up a cot in Rat Town. Since I’ve been so focused on posing practice and carb cycling I’ve really let down my guard on the rat situation and have now noticed both ants in my bathroom AND black fungus gnats in every room of the house! I never knew so much about bugs until moving to SoCal. Back home in Alaska we have mosquitoes and the scariest spiders are daddy long-legs, creepy, but nothing serious.

House Centipede, Scutigera coleoptrata

your worst nightmare: a house centipede

Here I’ve learned to recognize both black and brown widows and their egg sacs, crickets, grasshoppers, odorous house ants, the house centipede (think of 10 spiders taped together and faster than a cheetah), silverfish, and fruit flies. I’ve done extensive reading on how to kill all these motherfuckers too. Nothing like having a perfectly clean home and then have a bunch of ants trample  through it essentially having a house party right before your eyes like you don’t even exist. So rude.

To take my mind off bugs invading my family’s personal space, I did another practice round of stage makeup. The friend who was going to do it has another engagement so, unfortunately, I’m on my own. I’m feeling pretty confident though as I’ve watched about 10 different YouTube tutorials now and think I’ve got the hang of it. It’s basically a ton of blending and highlighting and enough makeup and hairspray to make you feel like a really beautiful clown. I found some all over face primer as well as a matte finishing spray and am hoping the cheapy brands I found at Target will be good enough to get me through one show. Many people suggested I go to a MAC counter and with a 50$ purchase of some makeup, they would do it for me. But then I’d be stuck with 50$ worth of make up that doesn’t match my regular skin tone and frankly I don’t think those MAC girls will be up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday which is when I’ll need my look completed by. The pre-judging show starts at 10:00 am!

I’ve been making an effort to get in more walking and posing practice as well since next Saturday I’m meeting with my friend’s professional personal trainer. She’s offered to let me work out with them and give me some posing tips and critiques for just the price of a day pass to their gym!!!! Super score! I’ve been warned that this gym is full of gym rat/bodybuilding types and it smells like farts and protein as the people who workout there are there so long they also take breaks to eat. Smells like farts? Great, I’ll fit right in. I’m working on my transitions and my best angles and mostly I’m just trying to get blood to circulate into my toes while in these killer platform shoes. I wonder if strippers have  horrendous venous stasis or even neuropathy because after just a few minutes in this high of a heel I cannot feel my toes. But like a trooper, I march on, smizing like Tyra Banks taught me. Here’s a short snippet of practice.

Lastly, my weekly photo update. 3 weeks to go and shit is getting real.


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