The struggle with gas is real y’all. No, really, I looked it up. Turns out humans do not have the proper enzymes to break down cruciferous veggies like broccoli, Brussels sprouts and cabbage. Hello!!! Broccoli and cauliflower are my main jam right now, paired with chicken and sweet potatoes- it’s basically what I eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. According to the articles I’ve read you need to cook the veggies pretty well to diminish their gas causing properties, blend them in a food processor (broccoli fart purée anyone?) or start taking probiotics (already do) and some digestive enzymes to assist in the breakdown of these nutrients in your lower gut. meal prepSo I headed out to the drugstore for some Beano! I always thought it was a drug like Gas-X which contains simethicone, a drug that breaks down gas bubbles trapped in the gut reducing bloat and discomfort, but Beano is actually the missing enzyme, alpha-galactosidase (α-GAL), that will break down the complex carbs I’ve been inhaling better than my own digestive track can. So bring on the Beano and maybe there will be no stank in my house tonight? I’m skeptical but we’ll see.

In attempts to beautify my self in preps for show day I’ve managed to severely damage my tender upper eye skin while waxing my brows at home. I should’ve known better after the self-inflicted bikini wax injuries this stuff gave me, but I swear I used it on my brows successfully once before. Hopefully the wound heals up by show day. I’ve also been super proactive about bleaching my teeth with the kit my dentist gave me a while back. Maybe too scarproactive because my gums are now raw and on the verge of bleeding, and that’s after just an every other day 30 minutes at a time regimen, I cant imagine what would happen to your mouth if you left them in over night like the bleach box suggests you do????? In addition to that, I attempted to shave my bikini line down to the size of the competition bikini and am now rocking a horrid razor burn which sent me out to Target for a bottle of Tend Skin, some alcohol/salicylic acid stinky liquid that’s suppose to prevent bumps and ingrown hairs. I’m on a roll folks! Jesus, it’s hard work looking good.

Today’s post is a day late because I wanted to include the results from my second and final body fat testing. I woke up and took my weekly progress photos yesterday and found myself, once again, at 125 pounds. It was discouraging, but I maintained hopeful and today my positivity was redeemed with my hydrostatic fat test results. In 8 weeks I’ve gained 3.8 lbs of lean muscle mass and lost 2.8 lbs of fat! I started at 16% body fat and am now at 13%! Boooooyaaaa! Has the scale budged? Nope. Do I give two shits? Nope, these results and photos prove that my body has changed and with a dark spray tan, some make up and a little water manipulation, I WILL fit in on stage… at the very least I just need to look better than one or two girls! HA! Just don’t come in laaaaaast place, that’s now my goal.

Last week at work I took care of a medical shit show. The patient was sweet as pie but had so many things clinically going wrong with her that it ended up being one of the more stressful days I can remember in the last several years. I was exhausted when I finally got home after staying overtime at work getting this particular patient transferred to a higher lever of care. That night I woke up at 1:00 in the morning dripping sweat, with nausea and full on body aches. The next day I had to shuttle my daughter to dance class and then both kids to the dentist, all the while I had no appetite, stomach cramps, and intermittent nausea. By the time my husband got home I was a ball of mush laying on the couch on a heating pad. Every muscle was cramped and aching so badly that just the pressure of my kids laying on me felt like torture. I called in sick for work and made an appointment to see my doctor the following day. The doctor tested me for influenza and checked all my labs, while I knew it wasn’t the flu I was starting to get worried that maybe several weeks on this stressful, restrictive and high protein diet was starting to mess with my kidneys, as the pain in my back certainly suggested. After about 36 hours of these cramps and being on the verge of shitting and puking my brains out, I finally regained an appetite and got some water in me. In the interim I saw what a little bit of water depletion could do to my abs, and on a weirdly positive note I was feeling more confident about show day. The doctor sent me a letter with results yesterday and confirmed I am not dying (as evidenced by my feeling fine now) and probably was just fighting a 24-hour stomach bug. On the plus side, my cholesterol is down from 168 to 88!!! This is huge for me as hyperlipidemia runs in my family and last year I had jumped from 120 to 168 for no apparent reason. A nutritionist I met with had suggested I eat more fiber to help clear the cholesterol from my blood stream and since tracking my every meal with this bikini prep, I now know I get anywhere from 35-75 grams of fiber gym selfieper day with all the roughage and Fiber One cereal I eat (most adults in the US get about 15 gm a day and the recommended is 25-30 gm). So I’m KILLING it on my fiber game and am so pleased to see these results. I feel like my body is coming together, this is not just something physical or vanity, this is hard work and dedication and education and it’s paying off. And it’s been a hard, annoying, frustrating journey but I am proud of what I’ve accomplished with my body so far both inside and outside.

My mom and dad get into town next week and I am so excited to visit with them and for my kids to see their grandparents. I never liked having house guests until I had kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love my visiting friends and family but I have ALWAYS been a, “I think I like my space more than I like you” kind of jerk. When I was little I would playvivi with a friend all day and then naturally the friend would ask to extend the play date and stay overnight, I’d be ferociously shaking my head no to my mom behind their back as she’d say, “Well yes, I don’t see a problem with that, let’s call your mom to double check that’s ok” and I’d be rolling my eyes like FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK I am so ready for them to go hooooome already. But now having guests is like having respite care providers. My daughter is so freaking stoked to have someone else to follow around, and talk incessantly to, and ask questions to, and dance, and perform for. My son remains cautious and shy for the first day or so but even he warms up and soon forgets that he’s mama’s number one fan and I actually get to take dumps solo or put on makeup or just sit in silence as my poor houseguests are accosted by my social butterfly. We are also planning on hosting a “welcome back” BBQ for the day after the competition. Welcome back to eating normally that is and I can’t wait.


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