SHOW DAY!!!!!

Phew… well it’s over. How did I do? I don’t quite know. I didn’t place in the top 5 in my division of ten girls but I wont know until they post results if I got dead last or maybe 8th out of 10? I’m hoping for not last, but these girls put my booty game to shame. There wasn’t one chick in my division who was soft or flabby or unprepared, they had trained and they were there to win. Here’s a recap of how it all went down. read more...

3 DAYS TO GO

It’s been a busy last week to say the least. I had to work all weekend, off Monday, and then back to work Tuesday. Exhausting to say the least, but I crammed all those work days together so I’d be off the rest of the week to prep and hang with my mom and visiting friend pre-show. Everyone keeps asking if I feel ready… and to that, I say I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. I must admit I did something stupid, something that really shook my confidence… I Instagram stalked some of the other bikini competitors and about lost my nerve. These girls look GOOD, like rock-solid good. They were giving props to their trainers, and nutrition plans, and posing coaches, and workshops, just hashtags galore. Meanwhile I’m here at home looking in the mirror saying to myself, “You’re good enough, you’re buff enough, and doggone it people will like you.” In all seriousness though, I’ve got to just be proud of my own accomplishments and own methods and goals I’ve reached and stop comparing myself to any other competitor. Could I do better? Could I have lost more fat and gained more muscle? Sure, but this is what I’m workin’ with and it’s just about show time and I intend to fake it till I make it. read more...

11 DAYS TO GO

The struggle with gas is real y’all. No, really, I looked it up. Turns out humans do not have the proper enzymes to break down cruciferous veggies like broccoli, Brussels sprouts and cabbage. Hello!!! Broccoli and cauliflower are my main jam right now, paired with chicken and sweet potatoes- it’s basically what I eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. According to the articles I’ve read you need to cook the veggies pretty well to diminish their gas causing properties, blend them in a food processor (broccoli fart purée anyone?) or start taking probiotics (already do) and some digestive enzymes to assist in the breakdown of these nutrients in your lower gut. meal prepSo I headed out to the drugstore for some Beano! I always thought it was a drug like Gas-X which contains simethicone, a drug that breaks down gas bubbles trapped in the gut reducing bloat and discomfort, but Beano is actually the missing enzyme, alpha-galactosidase (α-GAL), that will break down the complex carbs I’ve been inhaling better than my own digestive track can. So bring on the Beano and maybe there will be no stank in my house tonight? I’m skeptical but we’ll see. read more...

19 DAY TO GO

Just three weeks out now and I keep chugging along almost on autopilot at this point. I’m starting to fantasize about post competition meals and while at BevMo this weekend I picked up some bottles of both Rosé AND Sauvignon Blanc, because it was the 5 cent wine salequote which simple cannot be beat, and in three weeks, I can DRINK AGAIN! It’s funny how irritable a low carb day and two kids under three can make a mom but there’s just so few days left and I just know I can do it without murdering anyone! A friend posted this meme this week, and I’ve been living every day since by it. Trying my hardest to be kind, work hard, dream big, and...DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE. read more...

25 DAYS TO GO

Pre raceThis weekend my girls and I headed out early for the hour and a half drive north to Riverside County to run our first Warrior Dash race. This particular course was 3.3 miles through dense brush and trees with just 12 obstacles and while we had fun and got suuuuuper muddy, it was the general consensus that the more obstacles there are- the more fun it is. Less obstacles means more running in between each one. We could’ve just signed up for a fucking 5K for Epilepsy (Autism, Muscular Dystrophy, whatever, name your cause) because we were running so much. The obstacles were very doable too, if you are looking to get a beginner's taste of what an obstacle course race looks like, the Warrior Dash might be a good bet. read more...

29 DAYS TO GO

I was feeling pretty discouraged this morning considering the fact that nothing has changed with my derriere, so when my girlfriend asked if I wanted to meet her at the butterfly exhibit at the zoo I gladly skipped my workout and joined her. We had a great time watching with the kids in the humid butterfly aviary, checking out the animals, and enjoyed a little picnic and splash pad time. On the upside, my kids were super careful and didn't murder any butterflies which is more than some other parents can say. read more...

32 DAYS TO GO

Happy Monday to you all!!!! Guess who’s 5 weeks into this 10 week contest prep and still 125 pounds? This gal!!! Oh well, no backing out now, I’ve got stripper heels en route to my house as we speak. And as they say, the show must go on. I couldn’t take a poop today without an audience, so why would I be able to take a few pics solo? Silly mommy, privacy is for the childless. read more...

35 DAYS TO GO

When most people look back to pics of themselves in their 20’s they look wistfully at their former fitter, thinner, younger selves.FullSizeRender I, on the other hand, look back and think WHAT THE FUCK WAS HAPPENING THERE??!! I had gained a bunch weight but somehow was oblivious to it because I didn’t grow up with a bitch of a mom and my friends at the time were either too afraid to tell me or were busy drinking beer and getting fat with me. read more...

38 DAYS TO GO

What time is it? Time for some Miralax! Not because I’m an opioid addict, but because I think eating 160 grams of protein a day is really starting to back me the French up. I’m eating over 60 grams of fiber per day, which is double what a clinical nutritionist once recommended for me, but somehow it’s not enough. Between the gas and the unsatisfying trips to the terlet, this is going to be a long 38 days. On the upside, the suit is finally complete! This is as good as it’s going to get anyway and I think it’s right on par with the ridiculously overpriced suits I’ve seen online. read more...

39 DAYS TO GO

It’s Monday and that means it’s weigh-in and picture posting day. To be honest I feel like I just want to give up on the scale all together, and by “give up” I mean take it out into the street on a Friday and let the garbage truck run it over. At this rate, I don’t really know if I’m going to get down to the mystical 118 lbs that the body fat analysis recommended I be at on competition day. Earlier I was bitching to my friend, Karen, and she told me it really is time to throw the scale out the window. A simple scale isn’t going to show me what I wanted to see... but this Week 1 photo comparison she sent me does. Despite the fact that there is no weight change between these two photos, I’ve been busting my ass for a 5 solid weeks and I am finally seeing some results. The photo also reveals that I look quite nightmarish in the morning sans makeup. read more... FullSizeRender(3)