35 DAYS TO GO

When most people look back to pics of themselves in their 20’s they look wistfully at their former fitter, thinner, younger selves.FullSizeRender I, on the other hand, look back and think WHAT THE FUCK WAS HAPPENING THERE??!! I had gained a bunch weight but somehow was oblivious to it because I didn’t grow up with a bitch of a mom and my friends at the time were either too afraid to tell me or were busy drinking beer and getting fat with me. read more...

38 DAYS TO GO

What time is it? Time for some Miralax! Not because I’m an opioid addict, but because I think eating 160 grams of protein a day is really starting to back me the French up. I’m eating over 60 grams of fiber per day, which is double what a clinical nutritionist once recommended for me, but somehow it’s not enough. Between the gas and the unsatisfying trips to the terlet, this is going to be a long 38 days. On the upside, the suit is finally complete! This is as good as it’s going to get anyway and I think it’s right on par with the ridiculously overpriced suits I’ve seen online. read more...

39 DAYS TO GO

It’s Monday and that means it’s weigh-in and picture posting day. To be honest I feel like I just want to give up on the scale all together, and by “give up” I mean take it out into the street on a Friday and let the garbage truck run it over. At this rate, I don’t really know if I’m going to get down to the mystical 118 lbs that the body fat analysis recommended I be at on competition day. Earlier I was bitching to my friend, Karen, and she told me it really is time to throw the scale out the window. A simple scale isn’t going to show me what I wanted to see... but this Week 1 photo comparison she sent me does. Despite the fact that there is no weight change between these two photos, I’ve been busting my ass for a 5 solid weeks and I am finally seeing some results. The photo also reveals that I look quite nightmarish in the morning sans makeup. read more... FullSizeRender(3)

46 DAYS TO GO

HOLY SHIT! There are just 46 days to go and I just got back from my epic girls trip to LA where I gained (no joke) 5 FUCKING POUNDS!!!! Within the first few hours of being there I had stopped counting calories and started drinking booze... then the snack attack began. I had crackers, chips, ice cream, beer, vodka, champagne, clamato juice, pasta, burger, fries, chicken shawarma, falafel, rice, and candy!!!!!! I think I completely forgot to drink water and the Fiber One cereal and Greek yogurt I brought with me from home were still packaged nicely when we frantically packed up on Sunday morning to check out. What a seriously, tragic, hot mess. I also don’t feel like I took a legitimate poop the entire weekend, with zero roughage in my system and only one toilet to share among 4 women, I tend to run a little on the shit shy side. So I’m really hoping I’ve got a ton of water weight and several pounds of waste backed up and I can get back on track super quick. I have been on the 1500-calorie diet for several weeks now and am freaking the fuck out with just 7 weeks before contest day. So I shaved off 200 calories per day, and adjusted my macros in attempt to lose some serious fat and get these muscles popping. Starting just 1300 calories per day and macros set up of 45% protein, 35% carbs and 20% fat this week. Eventually I’ll go down to 1100 or 1200 calories depending on results I see or not?????? I am sort of at a loss.. perhaps I should hire a trainer, nutritionist, and posing coach? NO! This is do or die. I still need to build a bubble butt!!!!! WHO LET ME SIGN UP FOR THIS?!?!?! read more... IMG_6088

54 DAYS TO GO

I’ve been on this restricted diet for 19 days. 19 days of no ice cream or M&M’s after a meal, no wine, no crackers, no chips and dip, hardly any cheese or croutons, no suckers or hard candy, no Bloody Mary’s, no bagels and cream cheese, no pizza, no eating out... and I am sad to report that I haven’t lost a God damn, single, mother- fucking pound. I cannot begin to tell you how disheartening this feels to be doing everything right and paying such attention to detail food wise down to the gram, and working out so hard at the gym every day for literally no change on the scales. If I was on the Biggest Loser they’d kick my ass off. Here’s what keeps me going though, muscle weighs more than fat and I had better be converting some of the 16% body fat I had 2 weeks ago into lean muscle mass. Problem is I can’t afford to do the hydrostatic body fat testing every 2 weeks to measure my progress! Who can? Probably someone who pays a trainer and nutritionist before signing on to do an NPC bikini competition! So, in lieu of that I made an appointment for another InBody Composition Test at my good ol’ YMCA. The Y somehow has never charged me for these, we kept waiting for the charge to show up on our monthly bill but somehow they’ve missed it and I’m too cheap to mention it. These are the electro-current tests my husband and I did several of last year to monitor our weight loss and progress. I haven’t had one done since November, a little over 4 months ago. So while I know it isn’t as accurate as the water body fat testing, at least I have some record to go by and I anticipate seeing some change there. read more... 51112604257__2B9F9199-B126-4845-9EDB-B7A51FBB2002

57 DAYS TO GO

IMG_5897Hobby Lobby doth provide!!! (Finally!!!) I actually called ahead and placed a hold on every bag of clear and iridescent 16ss rhinestone they were getting in on Wednesday. They called to let me know my crystals were ready and I pleasantly discovered they were now 50% off! Super score!!! This is the point where someone else would probably say something about that being God’s doing but I’m not that person. So today I was able to bedazzle the other breast of my top so I now have a full set of Ombré Shiny Tits. I really wanted to get to work on the bottoms (or lack there of) but first will need to deconstruct it to sew in my new rhinestone draped connectors I got for super cheap off Amazon. read more...

58 DAYS TO GO

I was talking with two friends at work the other day about my “latest thing”… both women are moms of kids under 3 like me. They were stoked for me but also seemed kind of pissed at me or annoyed for being overly ambitious. Don’t get me wrong, right now I am training for this bikini competition and before that I was really getting into obstacle course racing, but sometimes I don’t have a DAMN thing going on. Some days during nap time I binge the out on The Real Housewives of Pick a City It Doesn’t Matter I’ll Watch Them All. Some days I lay down for 20 minutes before feeling guilty and jump up to steam clean something or do another load of laundry. I’m not a fucking super mom but we do follow a pretty set routine because I think (my) kids need it. We wake up, we snuggle, we eat breakfast and play, I scream at them to “please finish getting dressed” or “find your shoe!!!” so that we can head to the YMCA. I work out for 30-45 minutes and then after I collect them from kid-care we head to the park to burn some energy. Afterward we head home to eat lunch, or hit up Costco for a hot dog and groceries, we get home to play a little more, then it’s time for my 1.5 year old to go down for a nap. My 3.5 year old daughter is starting to fight nap time a bit more, so she gets about 30 minutes of books or iPad time before it’s her turn to “rest”. Half the time she sleeps as long as Leo and the rest of the time she hangs in her room reading or playing quietly with toys until he wakes. Whatever, as long as she’s calm and quiet and I get some time to not spell words aloud, define new vocabulary, talk about Moana, sing Moana songs, listen to her complain when a friend from daycare was rude to her, or hear my baby boy say "mamamamamamamamamama" about a hundred times a minute. Damn dude, learn some more words!!! I can’t do it all!read more...

61 DAYS TO GO

This weekend my husband was out of town on a guys-only ski trip. That was 3 full nights and 3 full days of playing single mom. Exhausting doesn’t really begin to describe how I’m feeling at the moment. More like awake but dead, like a zombie, a Mombie, if you will. I stayed up till midnight watching stupid bikini competition posing tutorial videos and of course the kids were up by 6:30 am on the dot like they have a fucking alarm in their room. How do they DO that? WHY do they do that? Oh well, at least coffee is allowed on bikini prep diet. And I have no one to blame but myself for staying up too late obsessing over this crap. All these articles keep saying that you need to be practicing your posing from day one, and I’ve done a bit but really could probably do more. So many of these videos are girls practicing at their Gold’s Gym or World Gym mirrored rooms, I cannot for the life of me imagine wearing my teeny, tiny, sparkling bikini at the YMCA (or really anywhere in public) at the moment. So I’ll have to resort to recording my own practice sessions in my bedroom during naptime. I hope that just like my body, we’ll see some sort of massive progression here and marked improvement. Here I am trying to emulate one of the bouncier, showier bikini pros. She did a ton of weird hand movements like ballerina arms and kept shifting weight on her hips. There are girls who shoulder shrug and wink, and others who shimmy every transition they make. I then saw a pro teaching a posing class who suggested if this is your first show, KEEP IT SIMPLE, avoid the shimmies and shakes and just act natural. Right… be cool bitch, be cool. Act NORMAL. Well I had already made this video before seeing that so you’re welcome for the laugh. read more...

62 DAYS TO GO

Bedazzling is on hold. I should’ve fucking known better than to shop at Hobby Lobby... it goes against all my liberal principles to support a store who believes in denying health insurance funded birth control to its female employees. But it’s so close to my house and it’s got every goddamn craft item you could EVER want or need and/or didn’t even know you needed! Two days ago I got several small bags of crystal rhinestones and of course I misjudged how many it would take to bling out a competition bikini... The left boob now has about 200 beads on it now. It was time consuming, but it looks sooooo fucking amazing!!! I’m actually LIKING this tiny suit and cannot wait to see the finished project. So today with two tired, hungry kids in tow I headed back to Hobby Lobby for more stones and low and behold they still haven’t restocked the ones I need. Restock day is Wednesday evidently, and that’s still 4 days away! I called the other two locations and they had low stock as well, not worth the drive level low. Way to throw a serious wrench in my crafting you pious conservative assholes. I was on a roll and now nothing. Good news is I still have over 60 days to bedazzle, but it just sucks when you’re in a hardcore crafting mood and have no material. read more...