11 DAYS TO GO

The struggle with gas is real y’all. No, really, I looked it up. Turns out humans do not have the proper enzymes to break down cruciferous veggies like broccoli, Brussels sprouts and cabbage. Hello!!! Broccoli and cauliflower are my main jam right now, paired with chicken and sweet potatoes- it’s basically what I eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. According to the articles I’ve read you need to cook the veggies pretty well to diminish their gas causing properties, blend them in a food processor (broccoli fart purée anyone?) or start taking probiotics (already do) and some digestive enzymes to assist in the breakdown of these nutrients in your lower gut. meal prepSo I headed out to the drugstore for some Beano! I always thought it was a drug like Gas-X which contains simethicone, a drug that breaks down gas bubbles trapped in the gut reducing bloat and discomfort, but Beano is actually the missing enzyme, alpha-galactosidase (α-GAL), that will break down the complex carbs I’ve been inhaling better than my own digestive track can. So bring on the Beano and maybe there will be no stank in my house tonight? I’m skeptical but we’ll see. read more...

19 DAY TO GO

Just three weeks out now and I keep chugging along almost on autopilot at this point. I’m starting to fantasize about post competition meals and while at BevMo this weekend I picked up some bottles of both Rosé AND Sauvignon Blanc, because it was the 5 cent wine salequote which simple cannot be beat, and in three weeks, I can DRINK AGAIN! It’s funny how irritable a low carb day and two kids under three can make a mom but there’s just so few days left and I just know I can do it without murdering anyone! A friend posted this meme this week, and I’ve been living every day since by it. Trying my hardest to be kind, work hard, dream big, and...DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE. read more...

25 DAYS TO GO

Pre raceThis weekend my girls and I headed out early for the hour and a half drive north to Riverside County to run our first Warrior Dash race. This particular course was 3.3 miles through dense brush and trees with just 12 obstacles and while we had fun and got suuuuuper muddy, it was the general consensus that the more obstacles there are- the more fun it is. Less obstacles means more running in between each one. We could’ve just signed up for a fucking 5K for Epilepsy (Autism, Muscular Dystrophy, whatever, name your cause) because we were running so much. The obstacles were very doable too, if you are looking to get a beginner's taste of what an obstacle course race looks like, the Warrior Dash might be a good bet. read more...

29 DAYS TO GO

I was feeling pretty discouraged this morning considering the fact that nothing has changed with my derriere, so when my girlfriend asked if I wanted to meet her at the butterfly exhibit at the zoo I gladly skipped my workout and joined her. We had a great time watching with the kids in the humid butterfly aviary, checking out the animals, and enjoyed a little picnic and splash pad time. On the upside, my kids were super careful and didn't murder any butterflies which is more than some other parents can say. read more...

32 DAYS TO GO

Happy Monday to you all!!!! Guess who’s 5 weeks into this 10 week contest prep and still 125 pounds? This gal!!! Oh well, no backing out now, I’ve got stripper heels en route to my house as we speak. And as they say, the show must go on. I couldn’t take a poop today without an audience, so why would I be able to take a few pics solo? Silly mommy, privacy is for the childless. read more...

35 DAYS TO GO

When most people look back to pics of themselves in their 20’s they look wistfully at their former fitter, thinner, younger selves.FullSizeRender I, on the other hand, look back and think WHAT THE FUCK WAS HAPPENING THERE??!! I had gained a bunch weight but somehow was oblivious to it because I didn’t grow up with a bitch of a mom and my friends at the time were either too afraid to tell me or were busy drinking beer and getting fat with me. read more...

38 DAYS TO GO

What time is it? Time for some Miralax! Not because I’m an opioid addict, but because I think eating 160 grams of protein a day is really starting to back me the French up. I’m eating over 60 grams of fiber per day, which is double what a clinical nutritionist once recommended for me, but somehow it’s not enough. Between the gas and the unsatisfying trips to the terlet, this is going to be a long 38 days. On the upside, the suit is finally complete! This is as good as it’s going to get anyway and I think it’s right on par with the ridiculously overpriced suits I’ve seen online. read more...

39 DAYS TO GO

It’s Monday and that means it’s weigh-in and picture posting day. To be honest I feel like I just want to give up on the scale all together, and by “give up” I mean take it out into the street on a Friday and let the garbage truck run it over. At this rate, I don’t really know if I’m going to get down to the mystical 118 lbs that the body fat analysis recommended I be at on competition day. Earlier I was bitching to my friend, Karen, and she told me it really is time to throw the scale out the window. A simple scale isn’t going to show me what I wanted to see... but this Week 1 photo comparison she sent me does. Despite the fact that there is no weight change between these two photos, I’ve been busting my ass for a 5 solid weeks and I am finally seeing some results. The photo also reveals that I look quite nightmarish in the morning sans makeup. read more... FullSizeRender(3)

46 DAYS TO GO

HOLY SHIT! There are just 46 days to go and I just got back from my epic girls trip to LA where I gained (no joke) 5 FUCKING POUNDS!!!! Within the first few hours of being there I had stopped counting calories and started drinking booze... then the snack attack began. I had crackers, chips, ice cream, beer, vodka, champagne, clamato juice, pasta, burger, fries, chicken shawarma, falafel, rice, and candy!!!!!! I think I completely forgot to drink water and the Fiber One cereal and Greek yogurt I brought with me from home were still packaged nicely when we frantically packed up on Sunday morning to check out. What a seriously, tragic, hot mess. I also don’t feel like I took a legitimate poop the entire weekend, with zero roughage in my system and only one toilet to share among 4 women, I tend to run a little on the shit shy side. So I’m really hoping I’ve got a ton of water weight and several pounds of waste backed up and I can get back on track super quick. I have been on the 1500-calorie diet for several weeks now and am freaking the fuck out with just 7 weeks before contest day. So I shaved off 200 calories per day, and adjusted my macros in attempt to lose some serious fat and get these muscles popping. Starting just 1300 calories per day and macros set up of 45% protein, 35% carbs and 20% fat this week. Eventually I’ll go down to 1100 or 1200 calories depending on results I see or not?????? I am sort of at a loss.. perhaps I should hire a trainer, nutritionist, and posing coach? NO! This is do or die. I still need to build a bubble butt!!!!! WHO LET ME SIGN UP FOR THIS?!?!?! read more... IMG_6088

54 DAYS TO GO

I’ve been on this restricted diet for 19 days. 19 days of no ice cream or M&M’s after a meal, no wine, no crackers, no chips and dip, hardly any cheese or croutons, no suckers or hard candy, no Bloody Mary’s, no bagels and cream cheese, no pizza, no eating out... and I am sad to report that I haven’t lost a God damn, single, mother- fucking pound. I cannot begin to tell you how disheartening this feels to be doing everything right and paying such attention to detail food wise down to the gram, and working out so hard at the gym every day for literally no change on the scales. If I was on the Biggest Loser they’d kick my ass off. Here’s what keeps me going though, muscle weighs more than fat and I had better be converting some of the 16% body fat I had 2 weeks ago into lean muscle mass. Problem is I can’t afford to do the hydrostatic body fat testing every 2 weeks to measure my progress! Who can? Probably someone who pays a trainer and nutritionist before signing on to do an NPC bikini competition! So, in lieu of that I made an appointment for another InBody Composition Test at my good ol’ YMCA. The Y somehow has never charged me for these, we kept waiting for the charge to show up on our monthly bill but somehow they’ve missed it and I’m too cheap to mention it. These are the electro-current tests my husband and I did several of last year to monitor our weight loss and progress. I haven’t had one done since November, a little over 4 months ago. So while I know it isn’t as accurate as the water body fat testing, at least I have some record to go by and I anticipate seeing some change there. read more... 51112604257__2B9F9199-B126-4845-9EDB-B7A51FBB2002